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Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one. To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'. This is truth, to me. You what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh. I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science? Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags. A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
Stealing six barrels The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. January 12, 1993 Long Beach police arrested two small, skinny men in October and charged them with stealing six 45-pound barbells from the Buffum-Downtown YMCA. The men were struggling to keep the barbells in a small cart that kept tipping over because they were not strong enough to steer it. Visit the previous joke on this topic! Visit the next joke on this topic! he funny true stories division
If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!
A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.
Boucher's Observation: He who blows his own horn always plays the music several octaves higher than originally written. Bove's Theorem: The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches. Boyle's Laws: (1) The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination. (2) When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally. (3) The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs. (4) Information travels more surely to those with a lessor need to know. (5) An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original. (6) When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly. (7) The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file. (8) Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan. (9) Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects. (10) If not controlled, work will to the competent man until he submerges. (11) The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. (12) Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interrupted as managerial ability. (13) The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinates' premonitions only during the postmortems. (14) Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations. (15) On successive charts of the same organization the number of boxes will never decrease. - Charles P. Boyle, Goddard Space Flight Center, NASA Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee; that will do them in. Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" Brien's First Law: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its abilit
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Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
OLD WANTS never die, they become needs OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of time OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwind OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind down OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged OLD WOOL COATS never die, they just become mothballed OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over WALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animation There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, -- but their future is doubtful Visit the previous joke on this topic! Visit the next joke on this topic! he old age jokes page
Smaller or larger tuxedo A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom's tuxedo. After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the groom's. Explain to the tux shop what you're up to. Pick up the groom's fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed. The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don't reveal that you know anything as long as possible. Write on the bottom of shoes Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote "Help" on the bottom of the groom's left shoe and "Me" on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets. Besides "Help Me", other possible message to write on the soles are (with varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (I'm With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, I'm Doomed!) Cheap plastic rings A groom buys the engagement ring at a jewelry store. As the groom enters the room, we "have been talking about" the news that says the jewelry store he just went to is being investigated for selling plastic diamonds to unknowledgeable customers. This didn't work too well but maybe if you have better actors in your group it would. I'll just call my lawyer about this Another on that I have seen pulled is to have someone speak out at the time the minister asks, "If anyone has good reason why these two should not be ma
Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now. [Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check] Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [The waiter leaves.] Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say... "IT'S A GUY THING" Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated:* "I have no idea how it works." "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated:* "Are you still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday." "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated:* "What did you catch me at?" "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again." "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
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The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom. At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness. "Did you actually see the accident?" he asked. The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir." "How far away were you when the accident happened?" "I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision." "Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?" The witness was unphased. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance If you liked this, you may like... Aha! Jokes > Funny True Stories
Advice From Men To Women ...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' ...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it. ...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one. ...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials. ...Please don't drive when you're not driving. ...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline. ...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference! ...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
Success is the active process of making your dreams real and inspiring others to dream. - James Anders Honeycutt Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do. Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get. Take this job and shove it. Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else. Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology. That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart. The 5 P's : Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!
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Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg. Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth. For Trouser had learned that .... a mime is a terrible thing to taste.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough." Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death. Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M. Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com! A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll. A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket. While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door. A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline. It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun. Carmel A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match. Greene During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks. New York You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building. Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers". Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business. It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing." Ocean City It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town. It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle. Staten Island It is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior." You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country. Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked. The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed. "You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph. Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice. She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked. She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?" The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions." I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?" When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing. I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger. One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down. When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend. I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies. A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. 2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. 3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. 4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. 5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4. 6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. 7. Users find 137 new bugs. 8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. 9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. 10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits. 11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. 12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch. 13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
OLD CANNERS never die, they are preserved OLD CARS never die, they just get run into the ground OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just fail to react OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just reach equilibrium OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just smell that way OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket OLD COMPOSERS never die, they just decompose OLD COMPUTER PEOPLE never die, they just lose their memory OLD COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte the dust OLD COOKS never die, they just get deranged OLD COURIERS never die, they just keep on EXPRESSing it! Visit the previous joke on this topic! Visit the next joke on this topic! he old age jokes page
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness. "Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer. "Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"
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